On my birthday me and my mom went to the Fredericksburg Herb Farm. It was lovely, we had a great meal and we didn't fight at all. I think that will likely be the last time we talk in many months, possibly years. I have to make a choice. Have her in my life with all the hurt, the pain, her denial of all of it, or distance myself from her despite my nostalgic longing for her. But it's not really her I am needing. It's the loving, caring, accepting version of her that I never knew, that never existed. I'm so sorry for the things that happened to her when she was a child, it was terrible, something no child should ever have to go through. She actually said to me once, none of that stuff affected me, I got over it. No, you didn't get over it, you never healed from it, you just poured out all that rage on me.....All I can do now is break the cycle, try to be the best parent that I can be, and let God fill the empty void is within me.
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