yesterday I woke up with every intention to not go to church. i woke up with the attitude of I don't need anybody. I want to be alone. I've shut out my friends, and family lately, but sitting there all alone, that dumb dr. phil saying, hows that working for ya, went through my head and i just thought I need to be at church, selah needs to be there, she has been in the house all week. so i went and hoped that no one would ask me how I was, cause I knew that I would loose it if they did. church is safe, I don't know why I am always so scared to loose it in front of my church family. so the sermon was from John when Jesus goes to the pool filled with an assortment of handicap people. And there is one man in particular who has suffered for 38 years and Jesus asked him if he wants to get well. Why would he ask that of someone who has been suffering for 38 years. Maybe because sometimes we get comfortable in our handicaps. We are all handicaped in one way or another. Mine has always been my anger and my depression. At that moment I just said I'm done with this. I'm done blaming other people. Yes my parents were full of rage and treated me like shit most of the time, but I have to get past that or I will pass on their rage to my daughter. It must stop with me. Right there I asked God to purge me of all the anger and sadness I've been carrying around since I was a child. And I lost it, in front of everyone, but it felt good, it was a release, better than any cleanse I've ever tried.
Comments (1)
yay!!!!! baby steps, right?