I fianally made it to Italy.  It is more beatiful than I could have ever imagined.  Our stuff won't be here until next month or our car.  We are walking tons everyday.  Yesterday we ate our first real pizza, it was so good.  I'll put up pics soon hopefully. 

yesterday I woke up with every intention to not go to church.  i woke up with the attitude of I don't need anybody.  I want to be alone. I've shut out my friends, and family lately, but sitting there all alone, that dumb dr. phil saying, hows that working for ya, went through my head and i just thought I need to be at church, selah needs to be there, she has been in the house all week.  so i went and hoped that no one would ask me how I was, cause I knew that I would loose it if they did. church is safe, I don't know why I am always so scared to loose it in front of my church family.  so the sermon was from John when Jesus goes to the pool filled with an assortment of handicap people.  And there is one man in particular who has suffered for 38 years and Jesus asked him if he wants to get well.  Why would he ask that of someone who has been suffering for 38 years.  Maybe because sometimes we  get comfortable in our handicaps.  We are all handicaped in one way or another.  Mine has always been my anger and my depression.  At that moment I just said I'm done with this. I'm done blaming other people. Yes my parents were full of rage and treated me like shit most of the time, but I have to get past that or I will pass on their rage to my daughter.  It must stop with me.  Right there I asked God to purge me of all the anger and sadness I've been carrying around since I was a child.  And I lost it, in front of everyone, but it felt good, it was a release, better than any cleanse I've ever tried. 

I don't like to write when I feeling low, uninspired, worn out.  This week as been as challenging as any that I can possible remember.  David will have been gone a year in a few weeks.  He was supposed to be home on July 8th or so.  All year I've told myself if I can just make it to that date. As its gotten closer I've sought comfort in knowing he is almost back.  But, to make a long story short he forgot about some paperwork we needed to turn in which will set everything back, moving, him coming home, me staying in this broken house etc.....I feel like I've been running a race for a year, and I've kept my eye on the finish line, now it's suddenly taken out of sight, I can't see it.  Then he didn't call me on my birthday or get me a card, he forgot.  It hurt.  I sort of lost it and cut all my dreads off.  It was very freeing but I don't like it, I've never had short hair before.  All I see in the mirror is boy.  Then to make matters worse me and my mom got in a huge fight that resulted in my saying I hate her and never want to see her again.  It's father's day, I can't call my dad, since he lives with my mom and all.  I didn't go to church today.  I can cancelled my myspace because I don't want to talk to anyone.  My friend called me last night to try to make me feel better she said, it's not all about you Lindsay, everyone is going through stuff.  I guess that's supposed to make me feel better but it doesn't.  This week has sucked so much that tomorrow I'm going to the mental health clinic and ask them for help.  I've always blamed my moods on my Gemini horoscope.  But my actions this week scared me and I wonder if it's not something more serious.  I'm not my ideal self at all....